The years of physical and mental challenges I have faced have made me look at some old ideas I have regarding what constitutes a strong person.
Having been an athlete most of my life, from grade school thru college and after college, I have placed a great emphasis has been on my physical condition. I have always thought that if I was physically strong and conditioned I was "OK". I could handle anything whether it was a softball game or challenges in everyday life.
This all changed when I became ill. The physical body I so relied on and worked at keeping in shape was severely compromised. As a result of lyme, bacteria, viruses and brain changes, not only was I unable to do the physical things I once did because of the pain it produced, I also could not do things because the communication from my brain to my body was not working properly either. Something as easy as reaching for a door handle became an exercise in brain power, will and determination. The ability of the body and mind to perform the task of opening a door is something we all take for granted. It seems like a such a basic thing: to see a closed door, reach for the doorknob, turn the knob, open the door and walk through. Many time during those roughest of times I hit that door head on because those once automatic actions were no longer automatic for me. Each step of the process had to be taken individually. I had to think about each action which began with a conscious awareness that the door was closed. Then to consciously, patiently take my mind and body thru the steps necessary to open the door and finally walk through the doorway successfully.
After years of compensating in how I moved and what I did with my body in order to get through a day, different physical problems surfaced. I had developed very bad posture and movement habits. Not on purpose. It just happened automatically as I attempted to have a life and carry out some basic daily living things and make a living to pay my medical bills. I began to use muscles and hold my body in ways that weren't meant for long-term usage. Because of the extreme fatigue, even when I realized the problems I could not exercise/condition my body sufficiently. It became a vicious cycle until the breaking point of pulled muscles, strained tendons, and herniated discs. Now with the help of specific nutritional counseling, genetic information, and a very, very, very slow physical therapy plan, I am on the road to getting my physical body to a place of proper, efficient function.
So, why am I writing about this now? Well, because I placed so much emphasis on my physical abilities most of my life when I lost them I lost my confidence, my self worth, my "edge". I viewed myself as weak and vulnerable. It did not help that at the same time I was confronted with the fact that my once sharp, smart brain was not able to work properly either. For years, I have been struggling with these issues of strength, weakness, vulnerability. All linked to my loss of my physical conditioning. Then a wise woman said to me - so what about Christopher Reeves? Is Christopher Reeves strong? Here is a man that physically went from the picture of health, strength, and athleticism to a wheel chair in an instant. However, I still look at him as a strong person. How? Why? That makes no sense based on my definition I use for myself. After further conversation and much reflection on the topic, I realized that his strength has ALWAYS come from inside himself. Inside, his inner being is strong, solid, possessing the athletes' will and fortitude. He just so happened to be a perfect physical specimen on the outside as well. At least from what I perceived, even after his physical body could no longer serve him in the way it had, he continued with the same passion and drive that was now solely fueled from his inner strength.
A harsh reality hit me. I have never felt like I was strong inside, so I kept trying to make my outside strong. The health issues I have faced have allowed me to see this - not a pretty sight. A very harsh reality check. A bombshell dropped.
That "edge" I felt I lost when my physical body was failing was real. That "edge" to me represented the physical preparedness, the alertness, the confidence to tackle any opponent or life. I thought that since I lost my physical strength I lost "my edge". The truth is that this "edge" comes form the inside. From qualities such as courage, will, fortitude…. And since my insides were not that strong, solid, or secure, when I lost my physical strength I lost "my edge".
I realize and am grateful for the strong will and determination I possess otherwise I could have packed it in a long time ago. I can use those attributes while moving forward. To acknowledge one's strong points and weak points is not easy to do or to accept. But for me it is a very necessary part of healing. So, thank you Christopher Reeves for being such an amazing role model displaying what it looks like to be a strong, secure person at the core of one's being no matter the physical condition of your body.
